What Happens In The Tundra Stays in The Tundra
by fatallyxflawedxattraction
Summary: *Ccomes out from under rock* I'VE REVISED IT! YOU SHOULD READ IT NOW!What really happened in the Tundra. My first fic so read and review or read and set fire to.:D


**Author's Note!** IT'S SHINY AND NEWLY REVISED!!! Hey there y'all. This here is my first ever Mighty Boosh fanfic and indeed, my first ever fanfic. I would love some reviews, you know. Tell me what you liked, what you didn't, what worked and alll that jazz. After reading this, if you laughed cried or made any involuntary bowel movements, I did my job. Cheers!

**Disclaimer!** If I owned anything of The Mighty Boosh, do you think I would have written it and posted it here?

**Rated! **M although, i personanally believe it's hard T or somethin'...It's rated this for cursing, and super sexy fun times:D

**What Happens in the Tundra Stays in the Tundra**

"I…I love you Vince."

Vince giggles.

"What are you….Are you laughing at me?!"

"What?" He continues to laugh "No! You just…You just caught me off guard."

Howard stares incredulously at Vince.

"You're laughing at me. I'm spiling my heart out to you and you're laughing at me!"

"No!" His laughter dies down some. "I love you too Howard."

Howard sneers. "No, you don't love me!"

"What?! Yes I do!"

"No, I just spilled my heart out to you and you laughed. You're only saying that 'cuz I said it."

"No, I really mean it. I love you Howard!"

Howard stares coldly at Vince.

"What do I have to do to make you believe me?? Do I have to jump off a building or find the last 'effin dinosaur?!"

Howard remains silent.

"C'mon small eyes! Help me out here!"

"No."

"Please! With a wittle bit a jazz on top, eh?"

"No."

"Pwease, with a wittle more jazz on top!"

"I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer…"

"But you just did!"

Howard 'hmpfs' and turns as far away from Vince as physically possible. Which is not very far in seeing, that he and Vince had been tied together onto a stalagmite for quite some time now.

"I've got it!"

'_Oh dear God…What in the Zooniverse has he go planned now…' _

"Ima make love to ya!"

Howard's eyes widen.

"You're gonna do _what_ now?"

"You heard me Howard!" His smile reaches his eyes…and beyond, if that it is possible. "It's bloody brilliant, yeah? I'll make love to ya, then you'll see that I really do love ya!"

Howard stares dumbfounded at Vince.

"I...You…Vince…Icy….Virginity bu-"

"Ah, ah, ah Howard. You can't run away now. I know you want this." Vince indicates to his body.

"You know, cocky-ness isn't all that attractive little man…'

"But it's true."

"Yes…I mean…Now, just wait a minute…"

"Oh sush up Howard" Vince says as he attempts to scoot closer to Howard. "An' give Vincey a little kissey!"

"Bu-"

Howard could not finish his sentence because Vince smooshed his lips to his. After what seemed to be several minutes, they pull apart.

"Now, do ya see what I mean Howard? It's bloody brilliant!"

"I…Yes, I see. You _do_ have a point..." Howard blushes.

The two men smile at eachother.

"Hey Howard," Vince laughed. "I think you got a little...You know…"

"I wha…?"

"It seems as though you're buildin' at tent, eh?"

"I'm still not following you little man."

Vince points down at Howards trousers. He looks down and bits his lip in embarrassment.

"I…This hasn't…I mean…" He gives up trying to communicate.

"Is alright mate! I can fix it!"

"How can…you…Oh…"

Within a few moments time, Vince was free oh his restraints and kneeling in front of Howard.

"How did you?"

"Me lucky scissors, mate!"

Howard stares Vince down, incredulously for a moment. He attempts to look menacing but, in the end, he just looks ridiculous.

"And why do you have a pair of scissors with you?"

"Well I might get split ends and what would happen if I didn't have a pair handy to cut 'em off? I would look down right silly, I would."

"Vince…" Howard says, trying to keep in control of his temper. "Why didn't you use them before you twat!?!"

"I…"Vince ponders the question. "I don't righty fully know Howard."

He grins again.

Howard sighs. _Why does this always happen to me? Why am I always stuck with bloody titboxes?!_

As Howard was debating between screaming or crying over Vince's stupidity, Vince began to stare off into space, just like the little ADD, sunny child that he is.

"Vince….Vince...?" There was no reply. "VINCE, YOU GODDAMN BALLBAG, PAY ATTENTION!!!!"

"What did ya say Howard?"

"Would you be as kind as to un-bloody-fuckin'-tie me?!?!"

"Oh right...Haha. Cheers!"

Vince carefully cuts Howards restraints. Nevertheless, he still ended up cutting him.

"OW! You bloody twat!" Howard yelped. "You cut my bloody finger!!"

"Ohmigod! I'm sorry Howard! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Well, don't just say sorry and stand there!!! Kiss it and make me feel better!!"

"I…Okay!" He smiles cheekily.

Vince grabs hold of Howard's finger and kisses it. From this, Vince got an idea. _'Oh this well be a great time to show Howard how much I love him!' _Slowly, Vince pulls Howard's finger into his mouth and sucks on it.

"Mmmm…" Howard moans. "Don't stop…"

Vince pulls Howard's finger out of his mouth and kisses him hard. When they pull away, Vince says in a low sultry voice:

"Ima make love to you Howard 'cuz I love you and think yer sexy…" He licks Howard's ear and move down to his neck there, he begins to lick and bite. After several minutes, and a guaranteed hickey, Vince moves farther down Howard's body and begins to pull his shirt up.

"'Wait…Vi-Vince…Don't it-it's too cold."

"Stop bein' a baby and take it like a man!"

"No! Vince, we're in the bloody Tundra! We'll die if we take our clothes off!"

"How are we supposed ta make love if we gots our clothes on?"

"Well, obviously we can't."

"But I _need _you H'ward!!" Vince whined, clawing at his shirt.

"But it's cold! We'll freeze!"

"Our passion…and friction will….keep us warm!!"

"I…" Howard stopped. _'That_ _could_ _actually_ _work…'_ Instead of expressing his thoughts with words, Howard grabs Vince and grinds against him.

"I…Howard…I don't know what I'm doing!" Vince blushes. Howard stops.

"You….I thought when you were at all those clubs…"

Vince shakes his head no. "I know I look the part but, I swear, I've never bummed a bloke in my life before."

"Then…all those nights…I…Ah fuck it…C'mere."

The two men grind for sometime until Vince bursts out:

"Howard, I'm so close…Please…"

"I…This is…this is going to hurt okay hunny?"

Vince nods and turns flat on his belly. Howard reaches across Vince and pulls his pants down and off.

Vince bites his lip as he feel Howard penetrate him with his fingers. Howard groaning as he scissored his best mate and new lover.

"I…O…Okay. Howard, I'm ready, love…" Vince panted.

Howard stared lovingly into Vince's eyes. "Alright love…I…I love you."

He kisses Vince as he slides his erect member into Vince's stretched hole. He watches as Vince gasps and begins to tear up at the feeling of Howard feeling him to burst.

"I…Mmmm" Vince moans. "I'm…I'm ready."

"Alright little man." Howard kisses him softly and begins to thrust in and out of Vince.

"Ahhhhh!!"

Vince wraps his legs around Howard's hips to allow his lover more leverage. Slowly, Howard's thrusts speed up and moans even louder than he thought possible.

"Howard…Howard….I'm so closssse."

Howard grabs Vince's, jacking him off in time with his thrusts.

"Oh God…V-Vince…"

They both exploded at the time, leaving their loads on each other's bodies. Or rather, Vince left his load on his Howard's chest and Howard leaving his seed in Vince.

As Howard began to pull out of Vince, he saw the ice man waltz right into the cavern. He smiled wickedly a froze them both. Their last worlds being "Holy mother of shit!" and "Wow…How did you...".

* * *

**PS!** I have another story already in works so...;D


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